Conquer My Unbelief

"In great spiritual agony, I wandered out on the sand alone. And there the Lord conquered my unbelief, and I surrendered myself to God for this service [starting a missions organization for inland China]. I told Him that all the responsibility as to the issues and the consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant it was mine to obey and to follow Him, His to direct, care for and guide me and those who might labor with me. Need I say that at once peace flowed into my burdened heart?" [Emphasis mine]

-Hudson Taylor

Please Father, may this be true for us.

Be Still My Soul, the Lord is On Your Side

So many mornings I wake up scattered and jumping all over the place. I hesitate to use this word, but I need the Spirit to "center" me. The scatteredness is just my anxiety of all the things that could go wrong. Those thoughts often dominate my thinking in the morning.

Which is why i need to hear from my Father. I need him to gather up all the anxious piece of me that run around scared and feeling alone and draw them back in to hold on to a simple truth: he is worth trusting.

My anxious soul does not have to dominate my point of view that yesterday was the end of all that is good in my life. No, when God speaks through his Word, he recreates my thinking and reorients my feelings toward the truth that the same God who gave Jesus for a selfish man like me will not hold back good things to those who trust him...to those who have benefitted from the gift of his salvation in Christ.

So, there are the words the Father used to settle my soul this morning. Some are from Jeremiah and some are his word as processed through a man who loved God's word:

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that send out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8

"The secret of faith that is ready for emergencies is the quiet, practical dependence upon God day by day which makes Him real to the believing heart." Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret, pg 100

"Fellowship" and Friendship

When I say that we want to scattered small groups- Gospel Communities- throughout our neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods, it often sounds like a technique to grow our church. Sterile, if not stale. Sometimes when I say them, the words feel devoid of life and power.

In reading Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret this morning, I came to a place where Mr. Taylor makes a new missionary friend in China named, William Burns. Mr. Burns was, at the time, much older and deeper in the ways of Jesus than Hudson Taylor was.

It is Hudson Taylor's words about  Mr. Burns that helped me articulate (to myself) the longing of what I want to see God do in our lives...and the relationships I long for him to bring in these Gospel Communities:

"His [Mr. Burns] love for the Word was delightful, and his holy reverential life and constant communing with God made fellowship with him to satisfy the deep cravings of my heart."

Father, make this description of Mr. Burns be the normal description of the men and women in our lives, both people who are believers now and people you will give life to! Show your power for Jesus' names' sake.

Surrendering or Crashing?

I put my little girl in the back of an ambulance on Friday afternoon. When those doors shut, I started to crumble. It took all of my concentration to get to our van to follow Evie and Adrienne, who was in the front seat of the ambulance. It took everything I had to not fall down on the sidewalk and sob. If I didn't need to try to follow them to the hospital, then I probably would have just gotten in the van and melted right there.

It wasn't that I was overly worried about what was going on with Evie because I knew she was in good hands. She was a champ even through all the proving and questioning and unfamiliar faces taking her to an unfamiliar place. They were pumping her with oxygen and we could see she was already somewhat better.

The hard thing is this: in light of seeing both my girls hurting, in different ways, all of the emotional waters that have been held back by a dam of my stubbornness, started to churn. They started not only to pour over the dam, but threatened to overtake the dam. Both the frustrations and the joys became too much for me. Honestly, apart from God's grace during that rush hour, I am not sure how I got to the hospital without crashing...in many ways.

Evie is much better now, thank God. I'm not. Today my joyful, God given desires are too much for me. (That seems strange to say, but it is true) My frustrations and insecurities are exhausting to deal with. I need to deal with all of this. I need my Father to come through in ways I don't even have words to express.

I read these words in Psalm 74 this morning. Somehow they are helpful. The reason why they are helpful doesn't yet make sense to me, but I can tell that is coming:

Remember this, O LORD, how the enemy scoffs,

and a foolish people reviles your name.

Do not deliver the soul of your dove to the wild beasts;

do not forget the life of your poor forever.

Have regard for the covenant,

for the dark places of the land are full of the habitations of violence.

Let not the downtrodden turn back in shame;

let the poor and needy praise your name [!!!]

Arise, O God, defend YOUR CAUSE; [my emphasis added]

remember how the foolish scoff at you all the day!

Do not forget the clamor of your foes,

the uproar of those who rise against you,

which goes up continually.

(Psalm 74: 18-23)

The Joy of the King

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field,

which a man found

and hid again;

and from joy over it

he goes and sells all that he has

and buys that field.

Again,

the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls,

and upon finding on pearl of great value

he went and sold all that he had

and bought it.

(Matthew 13:44-46)

It is no sacrifice to give everything to gain the kingdom. It was Paul's joy to consider everything   loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have understood this, but only a little. Only enough to want more. Only enough to know that I am still clinging to lesser things too tightly.

But, blessed are your eyes

because they see;

and your ears,

because they hear.

For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see,

and did not see it,

and to hear what you hear,

and did not hear it.

(Matthew 13:16-17)

Father, will you please keep opening our eyes and ears?

Cause us to see and hear. Let us see the beauty of your kingdom and ravish our selfish desires with that vision. Show how "empty, pale and poor" they are "compared to knowing you my Lord."

One thing I ask of you and this is what I seek, that we might dwell in your presence all the days of our lives, to behold the glory of your beauty. Please show us where we love our sin and the world. Please also show us your glory in such a way that we would think it foolish not to repent and "sell everything we have" in order to gain you and your kingdom.

Please, by the power of your Spirit, lead us to that kind of joy.

This will start for me if you give me the confidence in you and your heart to know that you will not hold back, but will give me (and the ones in my life) the assurance that you give graciously in the same way you graciously gave Jesus. I just say back to you what your word says, if you didn't hold Jesus back, but gave his graciously for us all, then how will you not (along with Jesus) graciously give us all manner of things that you think are good?!

You are a good Father, and I am your doubting child. I am your stubborn child. I love that you are my Father and you are so much more good than I know.

Overwhelm us with your goodness. For the sake of Jesus' name. So that many, many would love him and come to know him. Including us.

Just so I can Remember these Words

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself

and God our Father,

who has loved us

and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace,

comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word.

(2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

To this end we also pray for you always,

that our God will count you worthy of your calling,

and fulfill every desire for goodness

and the work of faith

with power,

so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you,

and you in Him,

according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

(2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Seeking our Treasure

"...seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

Father,

There are so many things I want to ask of you. There are so many things we need to receive from you. I need your wisdom to lead your people. We need your heart to love the people around us. We need your power to stand firm against the darkness.

But, more than all of those things, we need you. We need to know you so deeply that what moves you would overshadow every lesser thing that move us. We need to know who you really are and not who we believe you to be in our ignorance or want you to be in our selfishness.

You are our treasure.

I want to say things more eloquently and more fully to you, but I need to let go of trying to be in change our our relationship.

Draw me, draw us nearer to you our God and our King. May whatever is beautiful and good and loving about you give us faith in you to draw near to you.

...what does earth have that we desire besides you. Our heart and our flesh may faith, but you are the strength of our hearts an our portion forever.