Surrendering or Crashing?

I put my little girl in the back of an ambulance on Friday afternoon. When those doors shut, I started to crumble. It took all of my concentration to get to our van to follow Evie and Adrienne, who was in the front seat of the ambulance. It took everything I had to not fall down on the sidewalk and sob. If I didn't need to try to follow them to the hospital, then I probably would have just gotten in the van and melted right there.

It wasn't that I was overly worried about what was going on with Evie because I knew she was in good hands. She was a champ even through all the proving and questioning and unfamiliar faces taking her to an unfamiliar place. They were pumping her with oxygen and we could see she was already somewhat better.

The hard thing is this: in light of seeing both my girls hurting, in different ways, all of the emotional waters that have been held back by a dam of my stubbornness, started to churn. They started not only to pour over the dam, but threatened to overtake the dam. Both the frustrations and the joys became too much for me. Honestly, apart from God's grace during that rush hour, I am not sure how I got to the hospital without crashing...in many ways.

Evie is much better now, thank God. I'm not. Today my joyful, God given desires are too much for me. (That seems strange to say, but it is true) My frustrations and insecurities are exhausting to deal with. I need to deal with all of this. I need my Father to come through in ways I don't even have words to express.

I read these words in Psalm 74 this morning. Somehow they are helpful. The reason why they are helpful doesn't yet make sense to me, but I can tell that is coming:

Remember this, O LORD, how the enemy scoffs,

and a foolish people reviles your name.

Do not deliver the soul of your dove to the wild beasts;

do not forget the life of your poor forever.

Have regard for the covenant,

for the dark places of the land are full of the habitations of violence.

Let not the downtrodden turn back in shame;

let the poor and needy praise your name [!!!]

Arise, O God, defend YOUR CAUSE; [my emphasis added]

remember how the foolish scoff at you all the day!

Do not forget the clamor of your foes,

the uproar of those who rise against you,

which goes up continually.

(Psalm 74: 18-23)