Conquer My Unbelief

"In great spiritual agony, I wandered out on the sand alone. And there the Lord conquered my unbelief, and I surrendered myself to God for this service [starting a missions organization for inland China]. I told Him that all the responsibility as to the issues and the consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant it was mine to obey and to follow Him, His to direct, care for and guide me and those who might labor with me. Need I say that at once peace flowed into my burdened heart?" [Emphasis mine]

-Hudson Taylor

Please Father, may this be true for us.

Be Still My Soul, the Lord is On Your Side

So many mornings I wake up scattered and jumping all over the place. I hesitate to use this word, but I need the Spirit to "center" me. The scatteredness is just my anxiety of all the things that could go wrong. Those thoughts often dominate my thinking in the morning.

Which is why i need to hear from my Father. I need him to gather up all the anxious piece of me that run around scared and feeling alone and draw them back in to hold on to a simple truth: he is worth trusting.

My anxious soul does not have to dominate my point of view that yesterday was the end of all that is good in my life. No, when God speaks through his Word, he recreates my thinking and reorients my feelings toward the truth that the same God who gave Jesus for a selfish man like me will not hold back good things to those who trust him...to those who have benefitted from the gift of his salvation in Christ.

So, there are the words the Father used to settle my soul this morning. Some are from Jeremiah and some are his word as processed through a man who loved God's word:

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD
whose trust is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that send out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8

"The secret of faith that is ready for emergencies is the quiet, practical dependence upon God day by day which makes Him real to the believing heart." Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret, pg 100

"Fellowship" and Friendship

When I say that we want to scattered small groups- Gospel Communities- throughout our neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods, it often sounds like a technique to grow our church. Sterile, if not stale. Sometimes when I say them, the words feel devoid of life and power.

In reading Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret this morning, I came to a place where Mr. Taylor makes a new missionary friend in China named, William Burns. Mr. Burns was, at the time, much older and deeper in the ways of Jesus than Hudson Taylor was.

It is Hudson Taylor's words about  Mr. Burns that helped me articulate (to myself) the longing of what I want to see God do in our lives...and the relationships I long for him to bring in these Gospel Communities:

"His [Mr. Burns] love for the Word was delightful, and his holy reverential life and constant communing with God made fellowship with him to satisfy the deep cravings of my heart."

Father, make this description of Mr. Burns be the normal description of the men and women in our lives, both people who are believers now and people you will give life to! Show your power for Jesus' names' sake.

Surrendering or Crashing?

I put my little girl in the back of an ambulance on Friday afternoon. When those doors shut, I started to crumble. It took all of my concentration to get to our van to follow Evie and Adrienne, who was in the front seat of the ambulance. It took everything I had to not fall down on the sidewalk and sob. If I didn't need to try to follow them to the hospital, then I probably would have just gotten in the van and melted right there.

It wasn't that I was overly worried about what was going on with Evie because I knew she was in good hands. She was a champ even through all the proving and questioning and unfamiliar faces taking her to an unfamiliar place. They were pumping her with oxygen and we could see she was already somewhat better.

The hard thing is this: in light of seeing both my girls hurting, in different ways, all of the emotional waters that have been held back by a dam of my stubbornness, started to churn. They started not only to pour over the dam, but threatened to overtake the dam. Both the frustrations and the joys became too much for me. Honestly, apart from God's grace during that rush hour, I am not sure how I got to the hospital without crashing...in many ways.

Evie is much better now, thank God. I'm not. Today my joyful, God given desires are too much for me. (That seems strange to say, but it is true) My frustrations and insecurities are exhausting to deal with. I need to deal with all of this. I need my Father to come through in ways I don't even have words to express.

I read these words in Psalm 74 this morning. Somehow they are helpful. The reason why they are helpful doesn't yet make sense to me, but I can tell that is coming:

Remember this, O LORD, how the enemy scoffs,

and a foolish people reviles your name.

Do not deliver the soul of your dove to the wild beasts;

do not forget the life of your poor forever.

Have regard for the covenant,

for the dark places of the land are full of the habitations of violence.

Let not the downtrodden turn back in shame;

let the poor and needy praise your name [!!!]

Arise, O God, defend YOUR CAUSE; [my emphasis added]

remember how the foolish scoff at you all the day!

Do not forget the clamor of your foes,

the uproar of those who rise against you,

which goes up continually.

(Psalm 74: 18-23)

The Joy of the King

The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field,

which a man found

and hid again;

and from joy over it

he goes and sells all that he has

and buys that field.

Again,

the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls,

and upon finding on pearl of great value

he went and sold all that he had

and bought it.

(Matthew 13:44-46)

It is no sacrifice to give everything to gain the kingdom. It was Paul's joy to consider everything   loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have understood this, but only a little. Only enough to want more. Only enough to know that I am still clinging to lesser things too tightly.

But, blessed are your eyes

because they see;

and your ears,

because they hear.

For truly I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see,

and did not see it,

and to hear what you hear,

and did not hear it.

(Matthew 13:16-17)

Father, will you please keep opening our eyes and ears?

Cause us to see and hear. Let us see the beauty of your kingdom and ravish our selfish desires with that vision. Show how "empty, pale and poor" they are "compared to knowing you my Lord."

One thing I ask of you and this is what I seek, that we might dwell in your presence all the days of our lives, to behold the glory of your beauty. Please show us where we love our sin and the world. Please also show us your glory in such a way that we would think it foolish not to repent and "sell everything we have" in order to gain you and your kingdom.

Please, by the power of your Spirit, lead us to that kind of joy.

This will start for me if you give me the confidence in you and your heart to know that you will not hold back, but will give me (and the ones in my life) the assurance that you give graciously in the same way you graciously gave Jesus. I just say back to you what your word says, if you didn't hold Jesus back, but gave his graciously for us all, then how will you not (along with Jesus) graciously give us all manner of things that you think are good?!

You are a good Father, and I am your doubting child. I am your stubborn child. I love that you are my Father and you are so much more good than I know.

Overwhelm us with your goodness. For the sake of Jesus' name. So that many, many would love him and come to know him. Including us.

Just so I can Remember these Words

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself

and God our Father,

who has loved us

and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace,

comfort and strengthen your hearts in every good work and word.

(2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

To this end we also pray for you always,

that our God will count you worthy of your calling,

and fulfill every desire for goodness

and the work of faith

with power,

so that the name of our Lord Jesus will be glorified in you,

and you in Him,

according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

(2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)

Seeking our Treasure

"...seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

Father,

There are so many things I want to ask of you. There are so many things we need to receive from you. I need your wisdom to lead your people. We need your heart to love the people around us. We need your power to stand firm against the darkness.

But, more than all of those things, we need you. We need to know you so deeply that what moves you would overshadow every lesser thing that move us. We need to know who you really are and not who we believe you to be in our ignorance or want you to be in our selfishness.

You are our treasure.

I want to say things more eloquently and more fully to you, but I need to let go of trying to be in change our our relationship.

Draw me, draw us nearer to you our God and our King. May whatever is beautiful and good and loving about you give us faith in you to draw near to you.

...what does earth have that we desire besides you. Our heart and our flesh may faith, but you are the strength of our hearts an our portion forever.

It's So Simple

I have read Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret four or five times in my life. It is a book that is so good that it is worth diving into again and again just to remember what the Spirit of God will do in the life of a person surrendered to Him.

I am reading it again with a group of men at a time that I really need it.

This quote has arrested me many times, and this reading isn't any different:

"But Hudson Taylor did not start out to impact "millions." He started out to love God, to honor Him, and to share His love with individual sinners who needed so desperately to know Him. Jesus called Taylor (and us) to be "faithful," not "successful." And God added the increase. So shall it be with us, I pray." (page 12)

Father, please give us a deepening, passionate love for you. Please give us a real love for our neighbors and friends. Please give us freedom to share your heart and your character to other people. Please open up the door for all of those things.

Only you can do it. Please do it in such a way that you are known, and loved, and treasured.

Promises for Today

Faithful is he who calls you,
and he will also bring it to pass.
(1 Thessalonians 5: 24)

Do not fear,
for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
surely I will help you,
surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)

First Thessalonians Chapter Three

Therefore, when we could endure it no longer,
we thought it best to be left behind at Athens alone,
and we sent Timothy,
our brother and God's fellow worker in the gospel of Christ,
to strengthen and encourage you as to your faith,
so that no one would be disturbed by these afflictions;
for you yourselves know that we have been destined for this.
For indeed when we were with you,
we kept telling you in advance that we were going to suffer affliction;
and so it came to pass, as you know.
For this reason, when I could endure it no longer, I also sent to find out about your faith,
for fear that the tempter might have tempted you,
and our labor would be in vain.

But now that Timothy has come to us from you,
and has brought us good news of your faith and love,
and that you always think kindly of us,
longing to see us just as we also long to see you,
for this reason, brethren, in all our distress and affliction we were comforted about you through your faith;
for now we really live, if you stand firm in the Lord.
For what thanks can we render to God for you in return for all the joy with which we rejoice before our God on your account,
as we might and day keep praying most earnestly that we may see your face,
and may complete what is lacking in your faith?

Now may our God and Father himself and Jesus our Lord direct our way to you;
and may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another,
and for all people,
just as we also do for you;
so that He may establish your hearts without blame in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus
with all His saints.

Mother's Tenderness and Father's Strength

For you yourselves know, brethren, that our coming to you was not in vain,
but after we had already suffered and been mistreated in Philippi,
as you know,
we had the boldness in our God to speak to you the gospel of God amid much opposition.
For our exhortation does not come from error
or impurity
or by way of deceit;
but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel,
so we speak,
not as pleasing men,
but God who examines our hearts.
For we never came with flattering speech,
as you know,
nor with a pretext for greed- God is witness-
nor did we seek glory from men,
either from you or from others,
even though as apostles of Christ we might have asserted our authority.
But we proved to be gentle among you,
as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.
Having so fond an affection for you,
we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God,
but our own lives,
because you had become so very dear to us.

For you recall, brethren, our labor and hardship,
how working night and day so as not to be a burden to any of you,
we proclaimed to you the gospel of God.
You are witnesses,
and so is God,
how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved toward you believers;
just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you
as a father would his own children,
so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.

(1 Thessalonians 2:1-12)

Courage Passed On

Recently, I spoke with a man who was a former missionary to Brazil and is currently a equipper of missionaries in Texas.

He asked me how things were going for us and I told him the story about what we are doing and some of what we have seen the Father doing.

I cannot explain it now, but I was so encouraged by what he said. He not only affirmed what we are doing but he also told me stories about what they did in Brazil.

Here is some of the counsel that he gave me:

          “Make sure to bring unbelievers into your gatherings.”

          “Make sure to spend time praying for unbelievers by name when you gather.”

There was so much more but I cannot remember it now. All I know is that I was so excited that I could hardly contain myself. It was like wind in my sails. I could SEE with my imagination all of the things the Father could do…and I believed he would do them.

Father, please show your power and do your work through us. I want you to be our leader. Be our shepherd. Glorify your name in our lives and the lives of the people around us in our neighborhood and please let us have the joy of partnering with you.

Manna Mercies

"The LORD's loving kindnesses indeed never cease,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness."

The downside of believing that everything I need comes from the Lord is that it means that I am dependent on him. Frustratingly dependent on him. I-can't-do-anything-to-get-him-to-do-things-my-way dependent on him. He won't be manipulated by my self-pity or my selfish pleading. He is completely free to give lavishly...or not to give until his time.

That creates anxiety in me. Or, better yet, it draws out the anxiety in me that comes from how I really believe who my Father is. For some reason, I feel like my Father will hold back or, worse yet, he is disinterested.

I know the right answers because I have read the books, but the right answers don't always overcome the real feelings.

So, sitting on the floor in my bedroom right now, I meditate on who I believe my Father to be in the hidden places of my soul and I chew on who he has revealed himself to be in His Son and in His Word.

To a hard hearted and complaining people he gave manna. Only good for one day. Rotten on the second. Everyday was a reminder that those people were completely dependent on their Giver for their food. They were anxious to hoard, but they were made to trust that the Father would come through. Day by day. They had to deal with the heart question: "Will he be faithful today?"

Fast forward to another time when God's people doubted him. Things were not going their way. In fact, everything that God had promised seemed to be coming untrue. They were losing everything they had put their hope in. Control of their life was being stripped out of their hands with violence.

In the midst of the lamenting and pain, the Lord reminded Jeremiah that his love and his compassion NEVER FAIL. In fact, like the manna, they are new every morning. New every morning.

On days like today when I wake up and believe that I have to beg my Father to be good today, he is faithfully and lovingly asking me to be still, cease striving, and trusting his great faithfulness.

He is simply reminding me that he is going to be good today in a new way. Yesterday's grace is spent. Tomorrow's grace isn't here yet. I raise my eyes up and look towards the manna mercies that he will give today. Those mercies will be lavished on us, but they will be today's mercies. Only for today.

He will be faithful for tomorrow.

Isaiah 35: 3-10

Encourage the exhausted
and strengthen the feeble.
Say to those with an anxious heart,
"Take courage, fear not.
Behold your God will come with vengeance;
The recompense of God will come,
But he will save you."

Then the eyes of the blind will be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then the lame will leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute will shout for joy.

For waters will break forth in the wilderness
and streams in the Arabah.
The scorched land will become a pool
and the thirsty ground springs of water.
In the haunt of jackals its resting place
Grass becomes reeds and rushes.

A highway will be there, a roadway
And it will be called the Highway of Holiness.
The unclean will not travel on it,
but it will be for him who walks that way.
And fools will not wander on it.
No lion will be there,
Nor will any vicious beast go up on it;
These will not be found there,
but the redeemed will walk there.

And the ransomed of the Lord will return
and come with joyful shouting to Zion
with everlasting joy upon their heads.
They will find gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.